Censorship Police:
So at one point during one of the games, the home team had runners on and the score was relatively close. After being a few shots deep and gulping down an opening week beer, I say "Let's score some runs somehow, I don't give a fuck!" At which point a dude turns around at me, "Excuse me! I have my 9 year old daughter here!" Lord have mercy on your soul. You took the risk of bringing your 9 year old girl into Queens... at a major sporting event with New York fans... and it's late at night. Do you really think you're not going to hear/see any kind of profanity at all? Are you really trying to shelter her that badly? It's one thing to say to her "We shouldn't talk like that" or something along those lines, it's another to be all "Hey, everyone hold back your inner fan-hood because I elected to give one of my 100-200$ seats to a little girl who probably doesn't even give a flying fuck she's there. Why don't you take her to the Bronx and sit between the guy in the Buck Foston shirt and the angry foreign guy who only knows the words "Let's Go Jankees!" and "Fuck!" Please rot and die.
Speaking of which, I'll also have you know that they make people with "offensive" shirts turn them inside out. What is this world coming to?
The Unnecessary Sore Thumb: 
If you live in an area with more than one local team, you know this person. I attended opening week at both the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field only to be appalled at the number of people in the alternate team's gear. It's one thing to be a fan of the away team and support them. It's a whole different blasphemy to represent the other local team who isn't playing. I saw douchebags at Citi with Yankee gear, I saw assclowns at Yankee in Mets gear... please proceed to the promenade level and jump. Do you need attention this badly? Are you REALLY that proud of the team you root for that you have to let people know when they aren't involved? And really, I bet you were at home giggling like "He he he, I'm gonna stick it to all those fans and wear MY team's gear just because I am SO bad ass!" Chug some arsenic you fuckin slouch.
Where's Waldo?: 
I call this person where's waldo because they are so god damn out of place, they might as well be dressed like that child molesting candy cane with glasses. You have more than likely seen this person... you go to a game and you're baffled. Why is there a person in a Twins jersey at a Yankee/Indian game? The fuck if I know. For fuck's sake, did you roll out of bed and go "Shit, I don't have a jersey of either team... well, I'll be a baseball fan today!" Just bring your toaster in the bath with you... or did you think, "I need to show how proud I am of my completely out of market team!" I have no words for you, please die.
The 2 Pump Jump: 
No, there is no ejaculation involved... but almost. Basically, if you've ever been to a baseball game you have seen this person. Every fly ball that makes it out of the infield they jump up and scream like it's a homer. Yet if you ever judged a fly ball in your life, you would know the difference between a deep drive and a lazy fly. Do yourself a favor and go watch little league, at least you'll do wonders for the morale of the kids when you cream over their pop-ups.
The Faker: 
You have seen this person once or twice. Everyone knows certain teams DO NOT put names on their jerseys. Meanwhile, tons of douchebags come to the ballpark in their terrible fake jersey with a name on it. This is almost as bad as people who buy the cheap knock off NFL jerseys with the holes in the numbers. For fuck's sake people, the sewn on letters are only a little more. I know it's a recession, but at least have some self respect!
All in all, if you can't show self respect at a ball game... JUST KEEP YOUR ASS AT HOME!
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