Livin and drivin in NYC, you encounter a lot of types of drivers. The rare type is the one that knows their role. In other words, if they know they're slow, they keep their asses in the right lane on the highway; or if they're slowin down the left lane, they move over accordingly. I'll give credit where it's due and say that most people have their signals on when they're about to turn and shit. In my trials and tribulations I have heard people bitch about Jew drivers, Asian drivers and women drivers as the three worst...with taxis and trucks following close behind them. However, I have come to the realization that this group of people grind my gears the most. The JESUS BUMPER STICKER DRIVER.
What's that you may ask? They tend to be the Sunday driver (in other words, people who act as if they're the only people on the road doing 20 in a 35 and in no particular rush to get anywhere unless it's to church). However they drive like this every day of the week and that's not even the most annoying. They have messages strewn all over their car "JESUS IS COMING REPENT OR PERISH", "IT'S ALL GOOD, I GOT GOD IN CONTROL", "MAKE JESUS ONE WITH YOU", "BE READY FOR THE 2ND COMING OF CHRIST". Hey, I don't have an issue with one being proud of their faith, however...
1) Speed the fuck up or at least to the point where I can get to the next lane.
2) While I believe in God myself, people that don't and have to drive behind these people may go into a Satanic fit of rage...which isn't good for the rest of us.
3) Stop tryin to scare people with these messages.
I always wondered if I ever got into an accident with one of these people, they would hop out the car, sit down with me and then give me a 45 minute sermon about how everything happens for a reason and if I had let God in control of my car this accident would not have happened and it's my punishment. I'd give it 2-1 odds.
While I can't go around calling these people disgraceful because they are probably decent people...the way that they drive on these roads certainly are.
And so on
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Toilet Humor
In honor of all the disease hype in the recent news, I thought I'd try to keep the blog current with the times. There is a serious epidemic going around (other than the Swine Flu) and it needs to be stopped NOW. Every now and again I'll be on a social networking site (Facebook, Myspace, etc.) and I'll see a female friend has new pictures, so I'll browse. I'll be flipping through her album and all of a sudden... without fail... BOOM! A picture of a girl on a toilet. WHAT...THE...FUCK?
Please, PLEASE, tell me why in the name of Jesus, Moses, Allah, Tom Cruise, whoever you pray to... would you EVER take a picture of someone doing their business (Let alone put it on the internet)!?
Not only does this violate any and all moral codes, but IT'S FUCKIN DISGUSTING. The bathroom is a sacred place where you can go do your biz in peace and private. It's the one place you do NOT under any circumstance compromise on boundaries, safety or cleanliness. Hell, if I go into a bathroom with no lock, it's like you can hear the "Jaws" theme in the background.
Even worse, there are pictures of girls eating/drinking while on the can! Lord have mercy and may fecal particles fall into your beer. If the plague ever comes back, I guarantee it's transmitted through college girls who take pics of each other on the john. There should be a site called 2girls1can to publicly humiliate bitches who take pics of each other in the lav.. in fact, I might start it.. get your popcorn ready.
You know that rumor about the guy who had sex with a monkey that started AIDS? Imagine BEING the rumor who started some other awful disease because you were eating a McChicken and drinkin your beer all while being documented dropping a deuce! People don't forget!
So the next time you think it'd be cute to take a pic of your friend on the shitter, please keep a few things in mind...
- You are a disgrace, no question.
- You might become the next big disease rumor, in fact... I'm calling it now, this is how Swine Flu, Bird Flu and SARS all started.. spread the word.
- You will lose any chance at finding a real job after employers find you on 2girls1can.
- Your shameful acts more than likely WILL land you on someone's blog.
- This could be you!
Shameful at best, yuck!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
BBW is Usually a Lie.
Disclaimer- this is an emailed entry sent to us by Marissa from Ohio.
I...hate..."BBWs". Hate them with every fiber of my being.
My issue isn't the size...or the fact that they're confident (because in a world where everyone is trying desperately to change themselves someone with confidence is refreshing)...it's the tacky ones who post the worst pictures anyone will ever see that make me want to go get my concealed carry license.
In no way am I implying that you have to be thin to be beautiful. That is a crock of shit and is easily dis-proven.
But here's my question: What makes someone think that this is even remotely attractive? No really I'll wait for an answer.
Perhaps these women are confused...because often they describe themselves as "curvy". Curvy implies that you have a decent sized chest, small-ish waist, and noticeable hips. Like an hourglass or a guitar. Curvy should not be confused for fat (which needs no definition). And I know that there are men out there who are chubby chasers and that's great because I do believe that there is someone for everyone. But telling these women that they're the finest thing on Earth and convincing them to pose half naked and look back at you so you can post it to the internet is just wrong.
I have the fear that all this "BBW" bullshit is going to lead to a REALLY unhealthy and fat generation sometime here soon. Acceptance and tolerance are great...but sugar-coating isn't. It's okay to be whoever you are but some women are taking this too far. They're letting this go from healthy self-love to an excuse to eat what they want and not do a single exercise a full calender year. They may start gaining a little and just call it "extra meat". Then they keep going and talk about how it's not a big deal. Then before you know it a chick who is 5'3" is pushing the two and a quarter mark and then decides that she's a "BBW" who looks like Janet Jackson. Not only is it degrading to you to have to lie about your appearance...but it's degrading to the person you lied to and tricked into taking you for coffee. Stop it. Please.
There is a such thing as big and beautiful. Especially when you keep your gahdamn clothes on. So here's my advice to my fellow girls who like cake and hate exercise: stop the damn posing half naked! And stop putting the shit on the internet for people to find and make fun of. You CAN be big and beautiful. Seriously. But be a classy lady like me.
...I am not a blogger...
Download of the day: "Break You Off" by The Roots. Old song...but for unknown reasons- especially unknown since no one is breaking this off...but I digress- I've been stuck on it for the last two weeks.
I...hate..."BBWs". Hate them with every fiber of my being.
My issue isn't the size...or the fact that they're confident (because in a world where everyone is trying desperately to change themselves someone with confidence is refreshing)...it's the tacky ones who post the worst pictures anyone will ever see that make me want to go get my concealed carry license.
In no way am I implying that you have to be thin to be beautiful. That is a crock of shit and is easily dis-proven.
But here's my question: What makes someone think that this is even remotely attractive? No really I'll wait for an answer.
Perhaps these women are confused...because often they describe themselves as "curvy". Curvy implies that you have a decent sized chest, small-ish waist, and noticeable hips. Like an hourglass or a guitar. Curvy should not be confused for fat (which needs no definition). And I know that there are men out there who are chubby chasers and that's great because I do believe that there is someone for everyone. But telling these women that they're the finest thing on Earth and convincing them to pose half naked and look back at you so you can post it to the internet is just wrong.
I have the fear that all this "BBW" bullshit is going to lead to a REALLY unhealthy and fat generation sometime here soon. Acceptance and tolerance are great...but sugar-coating isn't. It's okay to be whoever you are but some women are taking this too far. They're letting this go from healthy self-love to an excuse to eat what they want and not do a single exercise a full calender year. They may start gaining a little and just call it "extra meat". Then they keep going and talk about how it's not a big deal. Then before you know it a chick who is 5'3" is pushing the two and a quarter mark and then decides that she's a "BBW" who looks like Janet Jackson. Not only is it degrading to you to have to lie about your appearance...but it's degrading to the person you lied to and tricked into taking you for coffee. Stop it. Please.
There is a such thing as big and beautiful. Especially when you keep your gahdamn clothes on. So here's my advice to my fellow girls who like cake and hate exercise: stop the damn posing half naked! And stop putting the shit on the internet for people to find and make fun of. You CAN be big and beautiful. Seriously. But be a classy lady like me.
...I am not a blogger...
Download of the day: "Break You Off" by The Roots. Old song...but for unknown reasons- especially unknown since no one is breaking this off...but I digress- I've been stuck on it for the last two weeks.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Fried Chicken & Watermelon
Fried Chicken & Watermelon
4.27.09
I never understood how these foods were supposed to be iconic and endemic to only Black people. Last I checked, both per capita (per person) and on the whole, White people consume more chicken (fried or otherwise) than anyone else. Same with watermelon. I know, I know, the minstrel shows and the Blackface mocking that took place years ago used both these foods as symbols of the "underclass"/animalistic nature that Blacks supposedly had, but sheesh.
The Obama stuff was laughable in that people are still resorting to those same tactics in order to make Black people feel inferior. Seriously, is that the best you've got? Shiver me timbers. Where are we at in society today that such tasty foods have made so many Black people feel like they're playing into some silly stereotype just by consuming them.
I suppose showing images of little kids eating porridge doesn't have the same effect, huh, does it?
Shame on you who still use these foods to denigrate Blacks.
4.27.09
I never understood how these foods were supposed to be iconic and endemic to only Black people. Last I checked, both per capita (per person) and on the whole, White people consume more chicken (fried or otherwise) than anyone else. Same with watermelon. I know, I know, the minstrel shows and the Blackface mocking that took place years ago used both these foods as symbols of the "underclass"/animalistic nature that Blacks supposedly had, but sheesh.
The Obama stuff was laughable in that people are still resorting to those same tactics in order to make Black people feel inferior. Seriously, is that the best you've got? Shiver me timbers. Where are we at in society today that such tasty foods have made so many Black people feel like they're playing into some silly stereotype just by consuming them.
I suppose showing images of little kids eating porridge doesn't have the same effect, huh, does it?
Shame on you who still use these foods to denigrate Blacks.
The Staten Island Orange Girls (And Guys)
The Staten Island Orange Girls (And Guys)
4.27.09
As you all know, I have lived on Staten Island at a couple of junctures in my life. The whole island is a paradox. There's the unspoken element that controls everything that goes on throughout Staten Island -- and that no one needs to mention by name (and I won't here) and then there is what you see erstwhile. If you only went off what you saw visually on Staten Island, you would disagree. And I can see why.
I would estimate that 65% of Staten Island is Italian. A good 10% are Black, another 10% are Jewish and the rest is everyone else, Latino citizens, illegal migrant workers (taking what few jobs exist on SI, BTW) and people from everywhere else.
Amongst the younger set, there has been a disturbing trend the past ten years or so with this fascination with trying to look eternally tan. It's not just the girls, either. The guys are just as bad -- with their excessively-gelled spiked hair, douche shirts and in-your-face attitude. Personally, they don't bother me. Heck, a few of them were friends of mine when I was going to school in Brooklyn back in the day. No harm on my end. But I can see why they have such a reputation with the ladies.
The girls, however, are hilarious. Again, they don't bother me -- because again, some of them are friends of mine ha. But everything from the extreme accent "Staaaaten Oyyyyyland" (Staten Island) and the constant bitching and moaning about their terrible love lives (the running joke about SI chicks are that they all purposefully go after douches and then whine when they inevitably hurt them; since that potpulation of douches basically encompasses most of the guys on SI, this is a recurring theme, hence the joke) to the FAKE ORANGE TANS.
I swear nothing is funnier than seeing a girl who was a shade or two darker than PALE one day and the next she looks like the Tang Orange Juice mascot. Especially the ones who overdo it in the tanning bed and their skin gets tight and painful. Not to mention the ones who SPRAY on the tan. Sheesh. It's so embarrassingly fake (and unattractive) but yet they still do it.
And I'm still friends with some of them, so no harm to me. Ha.
4.27.09
As you all know, I have lived on Staten Island at a couple of junctures in my life. The whole island is a paradox. There's the unspoken element that controls everything that goes on throughout Staten Island -- and that no one needs to mention by name (and I won't here) and then there is what you see erstwhile. If you only went off what you saw visually on Staten Island, you would disagree. And I can see why.
I would estimate that 65% of Staten Island is Italian. A good 10% are Black, another 10% are Jewish and the rest is everyone else, Latino citizens, illegal migrant workers (taking what few jobs exist on SI, BTW) and people from everywhere else.
Amongst the younger set, there has been a disturbing trend the past ten years or so with this fascination with trying to look eternally tan. It's not just the girls, either. The guys are just as bad -- with their excessively-gelled spiked hair, douche shirts and in-your-face attitude. Personally, they don't bother me. Heck, a few of them were friends of mine when I was going to school in Brooklyn back in the day. No harm on my end. But I can see why they have such a reputation with the ladies.
The girls, however, are hilarious. Again, they don't bother me -- because again, some of them are friends of mine ha. But everything from the extreme accent "Staaaaten Oyyyyyland" (Staten Island) and the constant bitching and moaning about their terrible love lives (the running joke about SI chicks are that they all purposefully go after douches and then whine when they inevitably hurt them; since that potpulation of douches basically encompasses most of the guys on SI, this is a recurring theme, hence the joke) to the FAKE ORANGE TANS.
I swear nothing is funnier than seeing a girl who was a shade or two darker than PALE one day and the next she looks like the Tang Orange Juice mascot. Especially the ones who overdo it in the tanning bed and their skin gets tight and painful. Not to mention the ones who SPRAY on the tan. Sheesh. It's so embarrassingly fake (and unattractive) but yet they still do it.
And I'm still friends with some of them, so no harm to me. Ha.
The Flyin' Dorito Bitch.
See here's the thing. We all have our own preferences when it comes to chicks (or dudes) looks-wise. With that said, just because they "aren't your type" or you don't know them doesn't give you any right to just try and make em look bad. Some people try to play some slick shit which initially seems innocous but at the end of the day- is truly fucked up.
Saturday night, myself and a few of my boys were chillin on a rooftop just enjoyin the night shootin the shit and fraternizing with some new people (though you know me, I'm not a fan of the we need more wood for di fiyah cockfests). This Asian chick comes out with a bowl which apparently has Chips Ahoy and some Doritos and she asks my white friend if he would like to take one- which obviously he does. Myself and my black friend wanted a couple also but I guess she didn't notice this right away. I'm convinced this was deliberate. My black friend asks her if he could take one...but instead of her coming around with the bowl- she tries to THROW it at him like a flower girl at a wedding. You mean to tell me you're too lazy to continue your initially nice gesture and just throw a fuckin chip at my boy like he's supposed to show his skills or some shit? First of all the throw was horrible- it actually landed inbetween our lounge chairs...so I'm not sure what kinda message that's supposed to send? It ain't a jump ball for a fuckin chip. Needless to say, my black friend was none too pleased with this and nor shouldn't he be.
He gets up and walks towards their direction where they have the chips and he asks again for a chip. She apologizes now and goes "Oh I'm sorry that I threw the chip like that." Get the fuck outta here- don't try to save face when confronted, that's just a bitch move. She hands him a chip. Dissatisfied with this however, he asks if he could have some more and before she could answer he puts his hand and takes about 5 or 7 more. Rather than eating them though, he walks away with them and then just throws em on the floor ha. Poetic justice if you ask me. They didn't say anything (nor they really could).
This Asian outta be ashamed of herself and her actions; and for her peoples is quite honestly a Disgrace To Her Race.
And so on.
Saturday night, myself and a few of my boys were chillin on a rooftop just enjoyin the night shootin the shit and fraternizing with some new people (though you know me, I'm not a fan of the we need more wood for di fiyah cockfests). This Asian chick comes out with a bowl which apparently has Chips Ahoy and some Doritos and she asks my white friend if he would like to take one- which obviously he does. Myself and my black friend wanted a couple also but I guess she didn't notice this right away. I'm convinced this was deliberate. My black friend asks her if he could take one...but instead of her coming around with the bowl- she tries to THROW it at him like a flower girl at a wedding. You mean to tell me you're too lazy to continue your initially nice gesture and just throw a fuckin chip at my boy like he's supposed to show his skills or some shit? First of all the throw was horrible- it actually landed inbetween our lounge chairs...so I'm not sure what kinda message that's supposed to send? It ain't a jump ball for a fuckin chip. Needless to say, my black friend was none too pleased with this and nor shouldn't he be.
He gets up and walks towards their direction where they have the chips and he asks again for a chip. She apologizes now and goes "Oh I'm sorry that I threw the chip like that." Get the fuck outta here- don't try to save face when confronted, that's just a bitch move. She hands him a chip. Dissatisfied with this however, he asks if he could have some more and before she could answer he puts his hand and takes about 5 or 7 more. Rather than eating them though, he walks away with them and then just throws em on the floor ha. Poetic justice if you ask me. They didn't say anything (nor they really could).
This Asian outta be ashamed of herself and her actions; and for her peoples is quite honestly a Disgrace To Her Race.
And so on.
Friday, April 24, 2009
F Your Own Life
I don't know who invented this whole "Fuck my life!" phenomenon, but I sure wish I did (so I could beat them unmercifully). I got the whole premise behind it, running with a saying for when things turn sour quickly (usually in odd and ironic ways). Running a website for it that lets people anonymously contribute is amazingly idiotic. After the site was recommended to me, I read through a few and had nothing to say other than "bull shit." These are so fake, I stopped reading after the third or fourth one. Not only are they dumb, but completely unimaginative as well. A few examples:
"I woke up for school and was really tired! I fought through it and took a long shower, cleaned my room, got dressed, ate breakfast and all. Once I was ready to go I looked at my clock and it said 3:22 a.m! FML!"
C'mon now. For starters, how did you just randomly wake up and decide it was time to go? No alarm? I know I ALWAYS check my clock to see if I can squeeze out a few extra minutes. I know some people get up at 5:30 or 6 for school and all, but by the time you're ready to leave it's at least showing signs of light outside. How many people are really that unconscious about budgeting their time? Fake as all fuck.
"Today I was at the gym and my friend was at the water fountain. I walked by and gave him a man slap on the ass. Turns out it wasn't my friend, now I have a black eye! FML!"
Riiiight. So you casually ass slap your friends in public? Even assuming you did make this ridiculous mistake, someone would REALLY punch you over it? Jeez, how long did you think about this one, 5 seconds? I'd love to get kicked out of my gym over a mistaken ass slap so they can keep my money, revoke my membership and call the cops. Oh wait, that never happened, you're a lying sack of shit.
By now you've got my point, but it gets worse. Now the plague has spread to everything. Facebook, Twitter, you name it. Everyone puts up their status (as if more than 3% of your "friends" care) with their FML! on the end. As if their lives are really at all fucked up. It'll be like, "Pulling an all nighter for a test, FML!" or "Doing homework on a Friday night, FML!" To be honest, not only is your life not fucked, but I don't give a flying fuck. Please stop being an attention whore and looking for sympathy from others. You are a sad individual, dig a hole and bury yourself.
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